Vlad Dracula Reads the Novel 'Dracula,' Live-Tweets His Reactions

Guest Sat Aug 25, 2012 12:34 am

Vlad Dracula Reads the Novel 'Dracula,' Live-Tweets His Reactions

It isn't common knowledge, but Vlad "the Impaler" Dracula, the feared 15th-century Prince of Wallachia, and real-life inspiration for the fictional vampire in Bram Stoker's 1897 novel "Dracula," was a voracious reader. Like many bibliophiles, Vlad resisted the e-book trend for several years, but he received one of those e-reader whatsits from the villagers for his birthday and decided he'd download and finally read this hatchet job "novel" he'd been hearing about.

Late one night, after growing weary of watching prisoners writhe on stakes, he lit a few pine needle candles, got into bed, switched on the e-reader, opened his Twitter account and began live-tweeting his reactions to "Dracula."

@VladTheImpaler
Holy mackerel! Is this *whole thing* written in first-person-journal entries? Maybe I should drink some coffee before reading this.

@VladTheImpaler
Opted for tea. Black. Minion fetching.

@VladTheImpaler
Black tea acquired. Here we go.

@VladTheImpaler
A few pages into this and it's already clear this Jonathan Harker fellow is in over his head. Even without being tormented by the undead.

@VladTheImpaler
Oh, I live in a "crumbling castle," do I? I just redid the kitchen.

@VladTheImpaler
That is *not* what my mustache looks like, Stoker, you lazy hack.

@VladTheImpaler
Dracula lives with "three wanton female vampires"? There's no way I'd live with three female vampires. I'd never get into the bathroom.

@VladTheImpaler
I gotta say, if I had all those supernatural powers, there's no chance some wispy, lawyer nerd is escaping from my castle. #bogus

@VladTheImpaler
Suspension of disbelief. Suspension of disbelief. Suspension of disbelief. Suspension of disbelief. Suspension of… #unbelievable

@StephenTheGreat
Uh oh, no good can come of this. Shall I send agents to this Stoker person's home and have him prepped for staking?
Retweeted by @VladTheImpaler

@VladTheImpaler
@StephenTheGreat Yes please. Make sure you send along a full staking kit. I like to have options.

@VladTheImpaler
Honestly, a sea voyage to England seems prohibitively slow and ill-advised. Plus, everyone knows I'm a road man.

@VladTheImpaler
This Lucy Westenra is my favorite character so far. I've always liked the girl-next-door types.

@VladTheImpaler
SPOILER ALERT: I can't believe they killed off sweet, beautiful Lucy! That poor angel. Calling for more tea. #I'mnotcrying

@VladTheImpaler
Now Lucy's a vampire?? Hmm, that could be interesting. I'll allow it.

@VladTheImpaler
Oh, that is just sick. #Lucy

@VladTheImpaler
Stoker you dog! You beheaded Lucy?? Was that really necessary? I'm going to have nightmares for weeks!

@BramStoker
With all due respect Prince, horror stories require sacrifice of likeable characters to heighten discomfort & alarm for surviving heroes.
Retweeted by @VladTheImpaler

@VladTheImpaler
@BramStoker I'll heighten *your* discomfort with a rusty saw and a red hot poker, you heartless, toad-faced whelp!! #gettingmedieval

@Pope_Sixtus_IV
My son, is all this vulgarity necessary? Think of the impressionable young ladies who might be reading this.
Retweeted by @VladTheImpaler

@VladTheImpaler
@Pope_Sixtus_IV A guy who runs around wearing an outdated 14th-century ice cream sundae hat is lecturing me about vulgarity? That is too rich.

@VladTheImpaler
Oh joy. Now Jonathan Harker is back. I give him five pages before he faints or dies of being worthless.

@VladTheImpaler
Skimming now. Who edited this? The number of pages devoted to the effort of wiping out Dracula's lairs could have been easily halved.

@VladTheImpaler
And now Dracula is fleeing London. This is such a crock. Can't he just transform into a bear and eat these meddling humans?

@VladTheImpaler
OK, that was harsh, this Van Helsing geezer doesn't seem too bad. The affected eccentricities, notwithstanding.

@VladTheImpaler
And now hapless Mina has been transformed into almost-a-vampire.

@VladTheImpaler
The mortals split into three teams, rushing toward Dracula's castle! This is like "The Amazing Race" without the vacuousness.

@VladTheImpaler
Van Helsing, that stud, kills all 3 of the female vampires single-handedly. Man, the women in this book are apparently all doomed. #sexism

@VladTheImpaler
And they finally kill Dracula, who crumbles to dust. Mina lives. Harker soils himself. (Kidding.)

@VladTheImpaler
My review of "Dracula": A bit slow moving, especially the tedious journal entries, criminally libelous at times, but decent plot overall.

@VladTheImpaler
An adequate Friday night read. Strong beverage accompaniment recommended.

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