Something Funny Renee Shared

A YOUNG FLEDGLING’S BLACKBOARD SAYINGS

by Jessica Hamby

I will not write “deceased” on Bill’s mail and send it back.

I will not tell Sookie she looks fat.

I will not criticize Pam’s shoes.

Young vampires are seen and not heard.

I will not tell Fangtasia customers that Tru-Blood is really made of motor oil and food coloring.

I will not call the phone company and list Bill’s number as “The Best Little Whorehouse in Bon Temps”.

I will not refer to Eric as “Mr. Pure-Dead Studly”. (Even though he is.)

I will not refer to Pam as “Mrs. Cleaver”

I will not string up Maxine Fortenberry’s girdle on the post-office flagpole.

I will not sneak over to my parents’ house, scratch on my dad’s window and hiss, “I’m going to geeeet youuuuu” when he’s trying to sleep.

I will not tell my little sister she looks “juicy”.

I will not tell Pam her fashion look died years ago.

Or that her lips look like cheap collagen implants (It really hurts to have your fangs ripped out by the roots.)

I will not spill blood on Eric’s head and pretend it was an accident.

I will not seduce and kill truck drivers.

I will not yell out, “Ew, Daddy, that’s kinky!” every time Bill attempts to restrain me.

I will not wander around Bill’s house in the nude.

I will not attempt to beam obscene imagery into Sookie’s mind.

I may not have a coffin lined in red satin with a picture of Justin Timberlake embroidered on the lid.

I will not leave dead rats on the sofa.

I will not Photoshop Sookie’s head onto a porno image and email it to Eric. (The thank you note he sent was a little creepy.)

I will not do the same with Bill’s head—despite the great hilarity it generated at Fangtasia.

I will not call Sophie-Anne and ask if she’s “working hard or Hadley working”.

Nor will I tell her that Yahtzee is the basis for the Mayan calendar.

I will not refer to the Magister as an “old geezer”.

I will not pretend to be a nice girl.

ROFL, and oldie but a goody!